Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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