Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize