I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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