I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
