I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
