There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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