My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
