So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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