meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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