Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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