there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
