My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
