Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
