drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
