I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
