Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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