You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize