i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize