im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
