Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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