Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
