Umm I'm too high to move.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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