Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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