a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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