Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
