We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
