I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
