Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
