Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
