i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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