He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
