definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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