good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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