I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
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