I accidentally had phone sex last night
where does the pee come out of this thing
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
