I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize