put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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