Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
