i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
