Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
