my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
false alarm, still single
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
