its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
