When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I cut my penus on the lid.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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