she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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