I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
