I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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