It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
