he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
