im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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