Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
