New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
