This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
