I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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