Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My legs feel like baby dolphins
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
