I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
