Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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