I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
