I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize