I accidentally had phone sex last night
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
