She is in my trunk
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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